September 2009
1 post
Way Too Long
It has been a while. This leaves me short on words. I enjoy to write but as with everything you need to keep at it. There’s a natural fluidity to this sort of thing that requires momentum, it requires intentional care. I’ve made a list. One that covers the top ten things I’d like to do with my life. Having this list offers direction, however loose it may be. Most of the...
June 2009
8 posts
MA - Vol 1: Sunny Day Real Estate
So I’ve begun my journey with Sunny Day Real Estate. I’m working through their albums in chronological order. Their first album is titled Diary and I’ve just finished listening to it for the first time. My first impression is that I like it. A lot. And I’m excited to move on to their next disc but am trying to not get my hopes too high. Diary sounds like so many other...
I want
I want to relax. I want to stop needing a plan. I want to have fun. I want to live for the sake of living. I want to leave my potential behind. I want to take life in stride. …and I want to become who I was meant to be, not create who I want to be.
I have a worn out treadmill
I’ve been running for a long time. I’ve seen far too many dead ends. I can’t keep on living like this. I need direction. I need clarity. I’m working on a revelation. I think, I have more to offer. I think, I should do because I can. I think envious thoughts. I want this. I want that. I have a worn out treadmill.
Becoming Musically Aware
I’ve got several friends with their own personal taste when it comes to music. Tapping into that vast well of musical selection is what I’m planning on doing. Every week I’ll listen to a different band/artist. I’m going to give someone 4 weeks and they will hopefully help me in expanding my musical knowledge. I already know who the best person to help me start this...
What changed?
I used to be very thoughtful and reflective throughout the day. I would internalize everything. No one had permission to hear my thoughts. It was mysterious, it was selfish, it was mine, it was how I liked it.
Intentional
My word for this week has been intentional. I’m trying to be more intentional in my life. With friends, with exercise, with work and with my faith. It hasn’t been going very well.
Learned women
Learning is like women. The more available it is, the more whip lash you will endure. Never try to take everything in at once. Monogamy is essential. If you’re not going to give it your all then don’t even bother.
Incomplete
Fear is something everyone needs to overcome throughout life. Again and again fear will show up but not always wearing the same clothes.
May 2009
5 posts
Just tell me
How do you decide what you want to do in life? This question has evolved through the years. Started out as ‘What high school should I go to?’ then it became ‘What should I do after high school?’. After that it was ‘What should I do for the rest of my life?’ then ‘How do you decide what to do for the rest of your life’. Which pretty much brings us up...
Should I stay or should I go?
I don’t want to leave the decision of my summer plans up to whether or not one company, which I’m not even sure I want to work for, will hire me. At the same time I don’t want to abuse my friendships the same way that others have abused mine. If I was to make the decision right now I would move home for the summer. The prospect of not being here excites me. Although, by going...
I am a rock, I am an island
Its weird how much you can relate to someone else. Until you talk to each other you won’t suspect a thing. With experiences that are personal and intentionally private you tend to think you alone and that no one knows what your going through. You are, in your mind, a Freudian discoverer. By stumbling into this series of events you feel like you’re through the looking glass. Alice never...
Renew
I still need a change. This city has become too stagnant, too comfortable. Just waiting to hear back from one place and if they don’t want to hire me then I’m going to make a change. Even if only for the summer. Boredom hits me hard when there is no change.
Why not?
Had a dream last night. It wasn’t her. I was working at a camp for the summer and one of the girls I was working with really liked me by the end of the summer. She was unexpected. A combination of two girls I know. Meh…
April 2009
19 posts
Not this again
Most everyone I know is in a relationship. New, old, whatever. It leads me to believe I’ve missed out on something along the way. And when I do think about what I could have possibly missed out on. She comes to mind. Had drinks yesterday with a friend from home. Told him about everything. There are certain areas in my life that I keep private until two important requirements are met....
Purpose
The word of the week has been purpose. I’ve been trying to introduce it into my life. Maybe even learn a little about my own. It hasn’t gone over so well.
Butterflies
Have you ever had the feeling of hanging by your fingernails? Or walking on ice with the anticipation that the bottom will just drop right out from under you? This is how I’ve felt almost all day. Today is my last day of exams which by itself doesn’t sound all that bad, however, I have 3 exams today. I’ve barely studied for any of them and frankly don’t care. The only...
Forget about it
Had a weird dream last night. My parents showed up all prepared for my wedding. At this point I remembered telling my mom that I was going to propose. I may have also mentioned where and when I wanted to get married. They arrived the next day. I wasn’t dating her but I purchased a ring and was working up the nerve to ask her. Its always her, never anyone else. Why can’t I forget...
Discipline me
Never would have guessed that it would take me an entire year to get used to school. Maybe that’s what being away from it for 8 years does to a person. The only motivation I had in high school was satisfying my parents. Since they only cared that I was above 60 that is where I stayed. Only had to do half the assignments to get that so I was set. Now, I’m doing this for me. Feels...
Motivation? What's that?
How does one develop will power? I can’t say that I’ve ever had it. It’s something I need to become more familiar with. In life my motivations are purely impulsive. If I need to be productive for someone else then I have no problem succeeding but if it’s for me, I lack all ambition. I need to get to the bottom of this.
Believe me, you.
The funniest part of my unstructured belief system is that I still talk to God about my doubts and know that He hears me. Obviously my doubts aren’t that serious.
J.F.K.'s plaque
“Oh Lord, your Sea is so Great and my Boat is so Small” - from Breton Fisherman’s Prayer
Molly is magic
I wish that I could write with certain level of elegance. When I write, thoughts just fall out of me and land on the page. I have no form for my substance. It feels like I lack style. There is a blog that I frequent. Her writing is so elegant and full of grace. She uses creative was to describe something to her reader. Many of her topics aren’t all that interesting but the manner in which...
If wishing made it so
There has never been a point in my life where I’ve been outgoing without a hidden motive. If I have a reason to be outgoing then I’m outgoing. Without that alternate motivation I lack the capacity to be outward. There are definitely times when my own personal reasons are important enough to me that I can make myself do that which I do not want to do. It doesn’t happen everyday....
Everything is fuzzy
Occupied minds are complex. It’s hard to distract one that uncontrollably focuses on the melancholy. The pursuit becomes particularly difficult when a true understanding of the validity to their circumstance is absent.
Emily Dickinson
The question “What are Emily Dickinson’s best poems?” was asked and Terran Stryder couldn’t resist responding in this manner: Answer: Emily Dickinson spent an incredibly boring childhood spent watching TV all day and all night. At the age of 15 she was traumatized by the cancelation of Punky Brewster and became a recluse in her own home. Her head was filled constantly...
Magic Molly
A voice comes over the PA system. “Due to an earlier incident at 59th Street,” the conductor growls, “Masked men will be entering the train on both sides to collect your personal belongings. Please remain calm. We apologize for the delay.” Before the speaker has finished crackling the doors slide open on either side to reveal short, brown-skinned men in lucha libre masks. They are the size and...
Johnny's home
The excitement of his arrival is over. People go about their daily lives. Never utilizing time properly nor seizing the day, everything is mundane. Here the day is special when the pets do something clever for once. The purpose of life is work. The purpose of work is money. The purpose of money is artificial happiness. The purpose of happiness is to ease the never ending suffering that is life....
Picture this
“Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of the crowd is weakness. The man who needs a mob to nerve him is much more alone than he imagines.” - Paul Brunton
Jennifer runs.
Catch her.
Give me something to do
Relaxing to me is not defined by doing nothing. It is not about wasting time or getting proper rest. When I think relax, I think of removing stress. Spending all day trying not to think about what’s stressing me out doesn’t fit this description. Being preoccupied is the only true cure. Keeping busy relaxes me. Not many people can relate to this. By doing something that requires...
Comfort is a myth
There becomes a level of comfort that one gets used. They start to trust it. Eventually they begin to rely on it and see it as a permanent resident within their life. Comfort always ends up letting me down. I’ve begun to despise the guy and all that he stands for. In the past I befriended him and saw him as reliant. I’ve been wrong before. When will I learn? Still to this day I...
Fear-a-tude
Fear has become my one and only solace lately but still it brings no justice. It carries no answers, just companionship. Everything is changing. People, places, finances, there is nothing I can do to change them. To set them straight. I’m not the kind of person that needs to control my surroundings. In fact, I enjoy change, I welcome it. All that I ask is that these changes come about...
March 2009
23 posts
Relentless
There are times I’d like to think of myself as a smart person. I don’t enjoy ignorance or naivety. Ditziness is completely out of the question. Then there are times I see that I have potential to be smart. By not applying this potential I become ignorant or naive. I don’t enjoy ditziness. Rarely I don’t think I’m smart. I presume to be ignorant or naive. Ditziness...
Woodland Hunter (Part I)
A calm comes over the crowd as the stage becomes occupied. There is troubled anticipation in the minds of critics. A visual stillness moves throughout the building. Not a word is spoken. The newest occupants of the floor space are lost amongst the reverence. All eyes are on stage. Spectators become uneasy, trying to contain themselves. Instruments are selected from their cradles. With the lights...
See you in 4 months
I’ve missed working. Especially physical labour. I can’t wait for school to be over. I want to disappear, work hard and pay down debt. As weird as it might sound, I want to work so hard that I can’t help falling asleep at the end of the day. It feels like I’ve accomplished something. A change of pace from this past year.
Top 10
A while back I made myself a list of what I want to do before I die. Here it is: 1. Hang glide 2. Get a Masters 3. Own a profitable company 4. Write a book 5. Restore a muscle car 6. Run in a long marathon 7. Learn another language 8. Make a film 9. Tour the world 10. Fall in love I seem to be working on a few of them.
Contemplation
If I was already forced to choose one word to describe how this year has gone, contemplation would be it. Seeing that word makes me think of progression and revelation but neither of those would characterize these past few months. I have been in a strong state of contemplation, just not in that way. There has been no progression, just digression. There has been no revelation, just repetition. ...
Grow up, would you?
There are stages one must evolve through to become adult. It is possible to have reached the end result in only one area and still need to go through them in several others. Just because you’ve matured when it comes to work ethics does not mean you’ve matured in respect to relationships. Also, there is no set order to which area you must progress in first. I can think of three right...
It's not you
Everyone talks about people watching, I don’t get the appeal. Yea sure I do find humour in the seemingly misplaced characteristics that unfamiliar people carelessly wear, but it’s not enough for me to look for it. I’m okay with stumbling across it every now and then. When I am in a public place without anyone that I know, I tend to gravitate toward solitude. Not to say that...
Bad weathers a brewin'
Their will always come a time in life where hopelessness is all that we can see. No one ever asks for it but still it persists. What can we do? Outside of finding hope you can just wait for it to pass. This is easier said than done. “The storm will last a day, possibly three, maybe seven. Black clouds will hover ominously, the brisk ocean wind out of the northeast will permeate everything...
Choose freedom
So, we dye our hair, burn our skin, paint our faces, ink our body, pierce our appendages, pollute our lungs, poison our veins, intoxicate our minds, abort our babies and impress our selfs all to with hold our basic human right, the freedom to choose. We choose to do these things and get mad at anyone who tries to stop us. There is no denying that we deserve this right. No matter how right or...
Parallels
If only my life could be simplified right now. I would love to feel relaxed, feel like I have all the time in the world. This is where I would like to be right now. This is a description of my utopia. To be surrounded by others who want and can help me. My life is so complex right now. The stress of finances, stress of school are like poorly built guillotines suspended above my limbs. Just...
Get it together
This past week has just been… …exhausting. I wish there was a stronger word that fit, but it will have to do. I’m not sure what exactly it was but something drew every last ounce of purpose from my body. There is a desire for rest. A hope for restoration. I’ve never been good at any of those things. How is one to truly rest if they don’t have anyone to rest with?...
Appreciate me
Performance art is something I’ve always had a soft spot for. Doesn’t matter what kind, whether it’s music, dance, poetry, painting, whatever I enjoy it. I like being able to see the artist walking to the stage, being themselves during breaks and then leaving the stage with that sense of accomplishment. I like the contrast between the artist and their art. As much as I’ve...
Fire pants?
So I guess I lied. I still haven’t stayed up all night long for school. What is it in me that wants to sleep? I realize this might sound like a stupid question, but there is a point through the night when sleep becomes more important than school.
Big day tomorrow
Tonight I’m going to do it. I’ve thought about it all year long. Almost did it a few times but never followed through. The scene is set, the odds are in my favor and my determination is strong. This will be my first post-secondary all-nighter. I only have one class tomorrow which includes a mid term. If need be I can just sleep through the day tomorrow but as for tonight, I need...
This is half of my current study area. Isn't it...
Clean Monday
Yesterday was clean monday. For the Eastern Orthodox types that is when they start their 40 days of Lent. I’ve sort of ended up combining the two types for this years Lent. By choosing to do 40 straight days, instead of 6 days on 1 day off, and by wanting to complete Lent with my fellow westerners, I have re-started my Lent today. If you do the math you will see that by starting on ash...
Let it go
Giving. I mentioned in my original Lent post what I am giving up and taking up. One of the things that I’ve planned to take up is giving. I’ve been having problems with this one. All I’ve been wanting to do is post that I’ve been able to give and in the meantime I have been the one receiving more than usual. It really is rather unusual. This all makes me want to give just...