Tell Me If It's Chilly Outside

I don’t want to leave the decision of my summer plans up to whether or not one company, which I’m not even sure I want to work for, will hire me. At the same time I don’t want to abuse my friendships the same way that others have abused mine.
 
If I was to make the decision right now I would move home for the summer. The prospect of not being here excites me. Although, by going home I wouldn’t be able to do a number of things I’d like to do this summer. Also I would have to find another job after the summer was done to get me through the school year.
 
Je ne sais pas.

Its weird how much you can relate to someone else. Until you talk to each other you won’t suspect a thing. With experiences that are personal and intentionally private you tend to think you alone and that no one knows what your going through. You are, in your mind, a Freudian discoverer. By stumbling into this series of events you feel like you’re through the looking glass. Alice never had anything this bad.
 
Why is it that some of us believe to be an island? Or at least we wish we were. Its always a surprise when we realize others do in fact have depth to them and do truly know what you’re going through. As much as being an island is great, it is reassuring to be reminded you’re not alone.
 
I’m sure some choice people would love to interpret this but not yet. Just give me a little time.

I still need a change. This city has become too stagnant, too comfortable. Just waiting to hear back from one place and if they don’t want to hire me then I’m going to make a change. Even if only for the summer.
 
Boredom hits me hard when there is no change.

Had a dream last night. It wasn’t her.
 
I was working at a camp for the summer and one of the girls I was working with really liked me by the end of the summer. She was unexpected. A combination of two girls I know.
 
Meh…

Most everyone I know is in a relationship. New, old, whatever. It leads me to believe I’ve missed out on something along the way. And when I do think about what I could have possibly missed out on. She comes to mind.
 
Had drinks yesterday with a friend from home. Told him about everything. There are certain areas in my life that I keep private until two important requirements are met. First, I have to consider this person a good enough friend and second, they need to ask me about it.
 
Now, last night he never asked. I didn’t plan on telling. Nonetheless, I told him. He wants me to contact her. Why does this feel like a bad idea? I’ve thought about contacting her for years. Its been a balancing act to keep myself from doing it.
 
Now I don’t know what to think.

The word of the week has been purpose. I’ve been trying to introduce it into my life. Maybe even learn a little about my own. It hasn’t gone over so well.

Have you ever had the feeling of hanging by your fingernails? Or walking on ice with the anticipation that the bottom will just drop right out from under you?
 
This is how I’ve felt almost all day. Today is my last day of exams which by itself doesn’t sound all that bad, however, I have 3 exams today. I’ve barely studied for any of them and frankly don’t care. The only time I’ve gotten nervous for either of my exams so far is when the professor is handing them out. As soon as it’s in my hand I’m all business. This isn’t my problem.
 
I thought I had a job lined up for me to start tomorrow. I thought I had planned everything so that I would skim the bottom of the barrel and then make a dramatic race to the top. I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I have a job and if I do, I’m not sure that I want it.
 
Money and time says that I need to take it, they say I can’t survive without it. If I don’t take it I would need a job by the end of the week.
 
I want to work hard and enjoy myself this summer. I’m not too sure if either will happen.

Had a weird dream last night.
 
My parents showed up all prepared for my wedding. At this point I remembered telling my mom that I was going to propose. I may have also mentioned where and when I wanted to get married. They arrived the next day.
 
I wasn’t dating her but I purchased a ring and was working up the nerve to ask her. Its always her, never anyone else. Why can’t I forget about it? It all happens more often now.
 
She won’t stop taunting me.

Never would have guessed that it would take me an entire year to get used to school. Maybe that’s what being away from it for 8 years does to a person.
 
The only motivation I had in high school was satisfying my parents. Since they only cared that I was above 60 that is where I stayed. Only had to do half the assignments to get that so I was set.
 
Now, I’m doing this for me. Feels weird.

How does one develop will power?
 
I can’t say that I’ve ever had it. It’s something I need to become more familiar with. In life my motivations are purely impulsive. If I need to be productive for someone else then I have no problem succeeding but if it’s for me, I lack all ambition.
 
I need to get to the bottom of this.