Tell Me If It's Chilly Outside

This past week has just been…   …exhausting.

I wish there was a stronger word that fit, but it will have to do. I’m not sure what exactly it was but something drew every last ounce of purpose from my body. There is a desire for rest. A hope for restoration. I’ve never been good at any of those things. How is one to truly rest if they don’t have anyone to rest with? How can you restore yourself to the state where you felt fine without help?

It was really good seeing all of my old friends again or at least a lot of them. I didn’t know I had missed them. These people are the ones that I used to live with, see daily and not get tired of. Until I did. Now I wish I hadn’t. There is invested time with these people. Friendships go back 5 - 9 years, whereas here friendships go back 1 year. A sporadic year at that. I see these people two or three times a week tops. There is something far more casual about being around my old friends. It’s very effortless. I didn’t expect to miss it.

There are those I’ve known longer, but still find it takes strength to be around them. It requires effort that I’m not ready to invest, knowing that it won’t last. I’ve already invested a lot and haven’t seen any result.

What is it about relationships? Am I just supposed to find a girl that I can get along with? One that I can be myself around? Someone that I’m at least a little attracted to and make it work? There have been a good many that fit that description. They are all married off now. I never did deeply care for them.

There is one. One that made me think my search was over. I still think about her. Too much probably. I wish I had the strength, had the ambition to find her. Try to make it work again, but she’s the one that ended it. She probably doesn’t regret it. Doesn’t think about it. Doesn’t think about me.