Tell Me If It's Chilly Outside

Way Too Long

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 18:46:53 -0600

It has been a while.

This leaves me short on words. I enjoy to write but as with everything you need to keep at it. There’s a natural fluidity to this sort of thing that requires momentum, it requires intentional care.

I’ve made a list. One that covers the top ten things I’d like to do with my life. Having this list offers direction, however loose it may be. Most of the tasks are in different directions. Making it difficult to prioritize. By suggesting a focus it embodies hope. Hope without clarity.

If I could just take the classes that interest me and then at the end of the 4 years slap a degree label across it, I would be happy. It doesn’t work that way, I’m aware of that. However, I don’t think that I’ll stop trying.

It has been a while.

MA - Vol 1: Sunny Day Real Estate

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:53:05 -0600

So I’ve begun my journey with Sunny Day Real Estate. I’m working through their albums in chronological order. Their first album is titled Diary and I’ve just finished listening to it for the first time.

My first impression is that I like it. A lot. And I’m excited to move on to their next disc but am trying to not get my hopes too high. Diary sounds like so many other first albums. Obviously not a lot of money so the production quality is low and will only, presumable, get better as the albums continue. But it is still an album that I think I’ll be able to ignore the production because it is very strong in other areas. Many other bands that I typically listen to have that same problem but there are only a select few that I will still put in that first album and just forget about the production.

Production goes a long way in my eyes. So for me to be able to still listen to an album, that means a lot but only time will tell at this point. I’ve only listened to it once and am still going to have to compare Diary to their other albums.

I enjoy watching a band evolve throughout their records.

I want

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:28:10 -0600

I want to relax.
I want to stop needing a plan.
I want to have fun.
I want to live for the sake of living.
I want to leave my potential behind.
I want to take life in stride.

…and I want to become who I was meant to be, not create who I want to be.

I have a worn out treadmill

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 23:18:47 -0600

I’ve been running for a long time. I’ve seen far too many dead ends. I can’t keep on living like this.

I need direction. I need clarity. I’m working on a revelation.

I think, I have more to offer. I think, I should do because I can. I think envious thoughts.

I want this. I want that. I have a worn out treadmill.

Becoming Musically Aware

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:43:45 -0600

I’ve got several friends with their own personal taste when it comes to music. Tapping into that vast well of musical selection is what I’m planning on doing.

Every week I’ll listen to a different band/artist. I’m going to give someone 4 weeks and they will hopefully help me in expanding my musical knowledge.

I already know who the best person to help me start this endeavor is.

What changed?

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 11:51:47 -0600

I used to be very thoughtful and reflective throughout the day. I would internalize everything. No one had permission to hear my thoughts. It was mysterious, it was selfish, it was mine, it was how I liked it.

Intentional

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 11:45:22 -0600

My word for this week has been intentional. I’m trying to be more intentional in my life. With friends, with exercise, with work and with my faith.

It hasn’t been going very well.

Learned women

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:16:18 -0600

Learning is like women. The more available it is, the more whip lash you will endure. Never try to take everything in at once. Monogamy is essential. If you’re not going to give it your all then don’t even bother.

Incomplete

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:07:45 -0600

Fear is something everyone needs to overcome throughout life. Again and again fear will show up but not always wearing the same clothes.

Just tell me

Sat, 09 May 2009 14:04:42 -0600

How do you decide what you want to do in life? This question has evolved through the years. Started out as ‘What high school should I go to?’ then it became ‘What should I do after high school?’. After that it was ‘What should I do for the rest of my life?’ then ‘How do you decide what to do for the rest of your life’. Which pretty much brings us up to date.

I’m not looking for a finite answer anymore. I now just want something temporary. I can’t even decide on that.

Should I stay or should I go?

Tue, 05 May 2009 21:24:13 -0600

I don’t want to leave the decision of my summer plans up to whether or not one company, which I’m not even sure I want to work for, will hire me. At the same time I don’t want to abuse my friendships the same way that others have abused mine.

If I was to make the decision right now I would move home for the summer. The prospect of not being here excites me. Although, by going home I wouldn’t be able to do a number of things I’d like to do this summer. Also I would have to find another job after the summer was done to get me through the school year.

Je ne sais pas.

I am a rock, I am an island

Mon, 04 May 2009 18:20:51 -0600

Its weird how much you can relate to someone else. Until you talk to each other you won’t suspect a thing. With experiences that are personal and intentionally private you tend to think you alone and that no one knows what your going through. You are, in your mind, a Freudian discoverer. By stumbling into this series of events you feel like you’re through the looking glass. Alice never had anything this bad.

Why is it that some of us believe to be an island? Or at least we wish we were. Its always a surprise when we realize others do in fact have depth to them and do truly know what you’re going through. As much as being an island is great, it is reassuring to be reminded you’re not alone.

I’m sure some choice people would love to interpret this but not yet. Just give me a little time.

Renew

Mon, 04 May 2009 18:02:03 -0600

I still need a change. This city has become too stagnant, too comfortable. Just waiting to hear back from one place and if they don’t want to hire me then I’m going to make a change. Even if only for the summer.

Boredom hits me hard when there is no change.

Why not?

Fri, 01 May 2009 10:21:05 -0600

Had a dream last night. It wasn’t her.

I was working at a camp for the summer and one of the girls I was working with really liked me by the end of the summer. She was unexpected. A combination of two girls I know.

Meh…

Not this again

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 08:55:06 -0600

Most everyone I know is in a relationship. New, old, whatever. It leads me to believe I’ve missed out on something along the way. And when I do think about what I could have possibly missed out on. She comes to mind.

Had drinks yesterday with a friend from home. Told him about everything. There are certain areas in my life that I keep private until two important requirements are met. First, I have to consider this person a good enough friend and second, they need to ask me about it.

Now, last night he never asked. I didn’t plan on telling. Nonetheless, I told him. He wants me to contact her. Why does this feel like a bad idea? I’ve thought about contacting her for years. Its been a balancing act to keep myself from doing it.

Now I don’t know what to think.

Purpose

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 19:54:34 -0600

The word of the week has been purpose. I’ve been trying to introduce it into my life. Maybe even learn a little about my own. It hasn’t gone over so well.

Butterflies

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:20:18 -0600

Have you ever had the feeling of hanging by your fingernails? Or walking on ice with the anticipation that the bottom will just drop right out from under you?

This is how I’ve felt almost all day. Today is my last day of exams which by itself doesn’t sound all that bad, however, I have 3 exams today. I’ve barely studied for any of them and frankly don’t care. The only time I’ve gotten nervous for either of my exams so far is when the professor is handing them out. As soon as it’s in my hand I’m all business. This isn’t my problem.

I thought I had a job lined up for me to start tomorrow. I thought I had planned everything so that I would skim the bottom of the barrel and then make a dramatic race to the top. I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I have a job and if I do, I’m not sure that I want it.

Money and time says that I need to take it, they say I can’t survive without it. If I don’t take it I would need a job by the end of the week.

I want to work hard and enjoy myself this summer. I’m not too sure if either will happen.

Forget about it

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:48:10 -0600

Had a weird dream last night.

My parents showed up all prepared for my wedding. At this point I remembered telling my mom that I was going to propose. I may have also mentioned where and when I wanted to get married. They arrived the next day.

I wasn’t dating her but I purchased a ring and was working up the nerve to ask her. Its always her, never anyone else. Why can’t I forget about it? It all happens more often now.

She won’t stop taunting me.

Discipline me

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:22:28 -0600

Never would have guessed that it would take me an entire year to get used to school. Maybe that’s what being away from it for 8 years does to a person.

The only motivation I had in high school was satisfying my parents. Since they only cared that I was above 60 that is where I stayed. Only had to do half the assignments to get that so I was set.

Now, I’m doing this for me. Feels weird.

Motivation? What's that?

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:36:03 -0600

How does one develop will power?

I can’t say that I’ve ever had it. It’s something I need to become more familiar with. In life my motivations are purely impulsive. If I need to be productive for someone else then I have no problem succeeding but if it’s for me, I lack all ambition.

I need to get to the bottom of this.